In Untitled Sparkly Vampire Play, Edward Cullen is sucking all the fun out of Izzy’s book club.

“I can’t kiss you. I’d chew your mouth off. Too dangerous.”

Izzy is trying to run a Twilight book club. She’s sunk a lot of man hours into it. It really has to go well. Only her secret boyfriend, Edward Cullen, keeps rocking up to split apples in two, think about sucking her blood, and work through an identity crisis. And maybe, possibly, she’s realising that she could find actual, real love with someone actually real.

Ashley Milne’s new show is an explosive reaction to compulsory heterosexuality, obsessive teenage girldom, and the feeling of being young and entirely alone.